Over the last few months, it has become apparent to me that I am starting to lose my edge. My once overly sharp memory is starting to fail me. Is it age? Is it the medication I am on? Is it that work is ludicrously busy and with school things are starting to fall out of my brain?
Yeah, I really don’t know. But I don’t like it.
Way back in the olden days (you know when unicorns and dinosaurs roamed the earth), before I sought help for my anxiety, I could remember ENTIRE days worth of conversations. I could replay them ad nauseam. Picking them apart, going over what I should have said, what the other person meant by what they said. The hidden messages, the secret codes… ALL of it.
And then, I started anti-anxiety medication/anti-depressants. No longer could I remember every conversation I had throughout a day. No longer could I remember ALL of my friend’s phone numbers, birthdays, license plate numbers and be able to recite them without prompt.
I shrugged it off as a small price to pay for a new sense of calm, the ability to fall asleep at bedtime, and some peace. I was still able to remember all the important information regarding projects at work, long after everyone else had forgotten about them. I could still remember the list of things I needed to get accomplished, tasks that needed attention – etc.
These days, that isn’t the case.
If I don’t write down every little thing that I need to do, I will forget to do it. Even if it is important. My brain has become a sieve. Co-workers have always come to me because of my memory, only now, I really cannot help them. Sorry guys, I am totally overwhelmed… and my brain is full… and it is throwing things out like crazy to make room.
It is a scary feeling, losing the ability to hold on to everything. Even if it has something to do with the amount of data I am trying to cram into my head everyday. I feel like I am losing what little control I have over myself. I feel like I am letting others down, those who rely on my memory.
I mean, yes, I know I am only human… and the expectations I have are a bit too high – considering my workload (home and work). But DAMN, when you are used to being a certain way…. it takes some getting used to. And well…. it is hard to change your expectations for oneself….
So, for now and until things get a little less chaotic…. you can giggle and say I am as sharp as a pillow….because well… it is kinda true.